i am eighteen years old. by definition, that makes me a legal adult. i can buy cancer sticks, lottery tickets, and porn. i could join the army or even vote for president if i really wanted to, but i couldn't drink for a few more years. i can do all of these things, but that doesn't mean i'm ready to. it doesn't mean that i want to.
i am eighteen years old. i am engaged and i'm going to be a mother come february. many might say that i'm too young for this. they might also say that i'm making a huge mistake that's going to fuck up the rest of my life. i can't say that i don't disagree with them, but i can't say that i agree either. no one knows how my life will pan out. i'm the only person who's in charge of my life - not god, not my family, not my fiancee, not you. maybe i am making a huge mistake, going forward with all of this. maybe not. i don't know if i'm ready to do this. i don't know if i want to.
i am eighteen years old. some days i feel like pulling the trigger and getting all of this shit over with, but i don't. i force myself to move on and go through the motions of pretending i'm okay. this guy named will once wrote that life is a stage and all the men and women are mere actors and actresses. and that's what i am, an actress. i do my part as the fuckup, even though i'm ready to move on. even though i want to move on, but i can't.
i am eighteen years old. i am not happy. i have the fleeting moments of joy when something makes me smile or laugh, but it never stays for long. it's as if i am the sun on a cloudy day. i manage to fight my way out, but when i do the clouds come back and turn the light right back into darkness. i'm getting tired of fighting my way out. i'm ready for this to end. i want this sadness to end.
i am eighteen years old. i have gone through more than my fair share of sorrow. i still hurt from the loss of my older brother. i still ache from the death of a friend. i cannot trust men because of the horrible things my father did to me. i fear being trapped in a relationship because of my former boyfriend. all of these people hurt me. some days i want to hurt others so they know the pain i have been through. i'm ready to tell them about what happened. i want them to know.
i am eighteen years old. i am taylor. this is me.
"i've gone by many names, but i guess that you could say my 'real' name is taylor. one of my feet is bigger than the other by half a size. i envy birds. i like tarot cards and magic shops. i'm lost and i don't want someone to find me."